What is the bottom line? That's the bottom line.

"whoever you forgive without a bottom line can hurt you without a bottom line."

this sentence applies in any relationship.

people always ask: what exactly is the "bottom line"?

the word bottom line, to put it simply, is a person's sense of self-boundary. You can't take an inch, nor can you back down endlessly.

the bottom line between people, to put it bluntly, lies in six kinds of boundary senses.

01

not relying on

initiative is the last word in

"ordinary World": life cannot be arranged by others.

this sentence is interpreted when I saw a woman's story the other day.

she comes from rural Chongqing, but she is never willing to rely on her family and husband and lead a passive life.

when she arrived in Shanghai, she didn't want to follow her husband to make a living at the construction site. Even if she didn't have much education, she boldly went to find a way to make money.

first she worked in a florist, saved some money, and then learned to set up a stall to sell pancakes and cold noodles.

then he borrowed money to open a small restaurant, closed down, and began to set up a stall to sell fruit.

when I found there was no way out, I went to borrow money to learn the trade and opened a bakery.

there are many twists and turns in the middle, and she doesn't want to give up.

later, she recycled building materials and worked in the decoration business. over the past decade, she has moved into Wanda's regular store all the way from the stall where she sleeps.

in this process, her husband is cautious and honest and believes in living by strength, while she is flexible and independent, and her life is arranged only by herself.

she said: "I believe that the only thing that can stabilize you in this world is your own ability."

in adult hunting grounds, the rule is simple: take the initiative or accept it passively.

accustomed to dependence, I break my own wings with my own hands. I can't help myself, and I can't blame others.

at any time, you have to live a life of active choice. The initiative is the last word.

02

but most of the posts in the group are help posts or accusations to themselves:

how to refuse the request of elders /leaders?

I began to please, humble, and socialize again.

I am so hopeless that no one likes that I deserve it.

what they want to do most is to learn to refuse, not to please others, but to go against their hearts.

in the TV series "the New Life of Chou", Xi is a person who is accustomed to please.

she is most afraid of making others unhappy, clashing with others, and causing trouble to others.

she dared not say "no" to the unreasonable demands of her colleagues; she dared not resist her boyfriend pua; she dared not refuse even the people who handed out flyers on the street.

until one day, she was fed up with looking carefully at other people's faces and plucked up the courage to refuse a passer-by, she found that

to say "no", the sky would not collapse, and it was so cool to refuse others.

the previous flattery and loss of posture only fulfilled others and made it difficult for themselves.

Yi Shu said: life is only a few decades, the most important thing is to satisfy yourself, not to please others.

everything, remember to please yourself first, as for others, be friends and look at your mood.

03

Don't save

your kindness.

there is a kind of person who is born warm and kind, and his friends are in trouble. He is the first to help. He pays money when he sees a beggar. When he sees kittens and dogs on the side of the road, he can't wait to bring them home.

the proliferation of goodwill is a habit of their life.

I saw a female teacher before. There was a girl in her class who got good grades but was very poor in her family.

she could not bear to see the girl's talent wasted and wanted to give her a hand out of the countryside, so she decided to subsidize her and be responsible for her tuition and living expenses before the college entrance examination.

the girl was very grateful and proud, and was admitted to a key high school.

but in the second year of high school, her grades slipped all the way because of puppy love, and in the end she didn't even get admitted to an ordinary university.

in the more than four years of subsidizing the girl, the teacher lived frugally, sacrificed a lot, and the burden was very difficult. considering the girl's learning attitude, she decided to stop subsidizing her.

unexpectedly, the girl ran back to the middle school to find the teacher and cried about her inadequacy in recent years: she ate poorly and dressed poorly, and now she was not allowed to go to college.

this is the end of the teacher after four years of hard work.

there is a saying that "emergency does not save the poor". You can help for a while, but you can't save others for a lifetime.

you can be kind, but you can't take over other people's business as your own.

excessive kindness may bring you disaster.

04

refuse to control

stay away from people who always deny you

you may have met such people who are always used to suppressing and negating others. All the words are:

"you can't do it."

"Why are you so stupid? you can't do anything well."

"how many times have you said it, don't you have a brain?"

they deny the ability of others and attack the autonomy of others, but they can achieve the goal of making each other obedient.

in the old movie "under the Gas Light", the man guides and controls her step by step in order to seize the woman's property, which finally makes her insane.

for example, give her a brooch and let her put it in her handbag, then secretly take away the brooch and ask her for it.

if the hostess can't be found, he will keep saying that she is ill, forgetful, weak, and all kinds of spirits hit her.

the man often changes the furnishings of the house, but blames her on the hostess.

he also deliberately manipulated the gas so that the hostess could see the gas lights flickering on and off, implying that she had lost her mind.

finally, the hostess became more and more suspicious of herself and recognized herself as a forgetful, weak and incompetent person.

this is the influence of mind control and verbal violence on a person.

Don't ignore those who always deny you. They say nasty things in order to dwarf you and make you obedient.

stay away from those who suppress you, and don't let what they say become your knowledge of yourself.

05

not actively involved in

peeping is the most gaffe to cross the line

there is a hot question on Zhihu: what is your favorite personality?

A high praise replied, "I appreciate people who have a sense of proportion, and resent those who cross boundaries and peep."

most people have the desire to peep, but not everyone can restrain it.

back to my hometown, seven aunts and eight aunts will ask: how much is your monthly salary? Did you find someone? When are you going to have kids?

it seems to them that this is just concern.

I met a colleague who couldn't help looking at my computer when she passed my station.

she also has a habit of flipping through other people's moments, turning upside down from the first to the last.

in her opinion, it was just curiosity.

there is a sentence in "Please answer 1988": the so-called boundary means to go there.

one more small step is an invasion of spiritual territory. If you take a few more steps, you will feel suffocated and want to stay away.

No one wants to be examined with a magnifying glass. Adults should pay attention to social distance.

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it is a necessary accomplishment not to pry into other people's private affairs and not to take the initiative to get involved in other people's lives.

06

not over-exposure

it is a disaster.

Cai Kangyong says in the book: there are mines everywhere in life. If you haven't been bombed, it's just because you haven't stepped on it yet.

people who talk too much are more likely to step on this mine.

in a training two years ago, I met a man who talked a lot.

at that time, she sat next to me, and in just three days, she gave an account of her family's situation.

from her mouth, I know:

her family has two apartments, her son is in junior high school and his math grades are good; her daughter is in primary school and has just won a medal in a dance competition;

her husband graduated from a certain 985 and started his own business after marriage; her parents-in-law are very kind to her and are the kind of old-school intellectuals.

the whole process, she said it very much, and I was very embarrassed to hear it.

I think she is the kind of person who is exuberant and likes to share her secrets and expose her thoughts, whether the other person is willing to listen or not.

there is even a kind of person who talks about the major questions of right and wrong such as the original family and relationship history, so that people don't know how to answer them.

as the ancients said: he who speaks shallowly but speaks deeply is a fool.

speak, on different occasions, on different objects, and on different levels. A lot of words, not enough friendship can not be said.

overexposure is a disaster to yourself and to others.

07

people who are like a fish in water in any relationship don't have great social skills.

they just set their own bottom line and know how many feet to go in and how many inches to give way.

do not rely on, at any time, do not give up the initiative.

it's not worth it to be thankless and keep a low profile.

Don't try to save others, your kindness needs to be limited.

reject mental manipulation and stay away from those who deny you.

not prying into other people's privacy, keeping a distance is self-cultivation.

Don't expose yourself too much, disaster comes out of the mouth, think carefully.

our lives are the sum of all relationships.