To change others is a psychopath, and to change yourself too much is a psychopath.

once heard a saying:

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there are dilemmas in this world: one is to change others, and the other is to change yourself.

but people like to be difficult: unconsciously want to change others, or change themselves harshly. "

the words are heartfelt, but they are heartfelt.

in life, there are always some people who like to change others, but it turns out to be counterproductive and both lose.

others change themselves too much, just to cater to others, or try to be the best "other person", only to lose themselves.

in fact, it is neurotic to change others, and so is to change yourself too much.

01

changing others is a psychopath

in the hit drama "Xiao Shude", Tian Yulan's excessive intervention in the life of his son Yan Ziyou is too worrying.

Tian Yulan is afraid that his son needs to look at other people's faces when he grows up, so he asks him to devote all his energies to his studies and get into a good high school so that he can have a chance to get ahead in the future.

my son likes to raise small animals, but Tian Yulan deprives him of his hobby on the grounds that it has nothing to do with his study.

when her son got good grades, she wanted her son to relax, but when she learned that her son wanted to play football, she was afraid that he wouldn't stop, so she advised her son to quit the football team and watch TV for a while.

when attending the family reunion, the children were eating fruit. Ignoring her son's embarrassment and impatience, she insisted that her son say the corresponding English words while eating fruit.

not only that, Tian Yulan also signed up for five extracurricular tutoring classes for his fifth-grade son, taking up all his rest time.

but her painstaking efforts did not make her son live the way she wanted her son to be. Instead, she drove a sensible child into hallucinations.

there is a "projection effect" in psychology, which refers to the psychological phenomenon of judging others by themselves, that is, they think that their own likes and dislikes are the likes and dislikes of others, and then try to influence and change others according to their own way of thinking.

Tian Yulan is like this.

she is worried that she does not have a high education, so the job pay is not good enough. It depends on the leader's eyes in the company, and she has to be looked down upon by her parents-in-law and parents at home.

in her eyes, her son, like her, needs to have a high education in order to be looked up to by others, so he forcibly forces his son to change, ignoring that his son has his own ideas and wishes.

changing others is the stupidest thing to do, because you can never change anyone.

what's more, there are no two identical leaves in the world, let alone someone who thinks and acts exactly the same as you.

as Mark Liwei said in the book "the Shadow Theft":

this reminds me of a trivial thing that Mr. Yang Jiang shared in the book "the three of us".

Yang Jiang likes to be neat and tidy and often folds her towels at edges and angles.

but every time husband Qian Zhongshu and daughter Ah Yi finish using towels, they always get things done at random.

Yang Jiang talked about them several times, but when she found that Qian Zhongshu and Ah Fu didn't listen at all, she stopped asking them.

instead, I fold the towel silently and put it back.

writer Ted Jiang said in "the Story of your Life"

everyone has his own unique thought and way of life.

what you like is not necessarily what others like, and what you pursue is not necessarily what others want.

it's not that really mature people don't want to change others, but they know very well that they can't change anyone anyway.

so choose to accept that others are different from your own.

as Russell once said:

"only when roses and jasmine bloom together can the world have the beauty of jasmine."

02

changing yourself too much is also a psychopath

I have seen such a story.

A young officer likes to walk at the back of the line just to make sure that the person in front of him is safe.

one day, he heard someone make fun of him:

the officer was so ashamed that he tried to correct his gait and walked in the middle of the line in order not to let others laugh at him.

but others accused him: "he is simply a coward, hiding in the middle."

in desperation, the officer could only walk at the front of the line, but those people mocked him: "he is so shameless that he walks proudly at the front of the line before he has won the battle."

the officer blushed with shame. The more he tried to get out of the pace that others were satisfied with, the more his legs failed, and as a result, he could not even walk.

as the saying goes, it is difficult to tune.

No matter how perfect you are, someone will always tell you what to do behind your back.

therefore, you don't have to change yourself in order to cater to others, otherwise you will only be in disarray.

only when you are who you really are and don't let others disturb your rhythm, can you become the master of your own life.

know a friend who is very dissatisfied with her job and income.

when she heard that she was working as a WeChat businessman to make money, she hurriedly quit her job and planned to start a WeChat business.

however, she doesn't know much about WeChat businessmen. she just sends out a few advertisements on WeChat moments, and few people ask her to place an order.

when she was worried about this, she heard that it was very profitable to open a milk tea shop, so she decisively gave up being a WeChat businessman, raised a lot of money, and opened a milk tea shop next to the nearest school.

she did not do any market research beforehand. During the opening period, there was a sparse flow of people during the summer vacation, and milk teaThe shop has no business at all, and it won't be able to handle it in a few days.

now, she not only can't find a suitable job, but also loses all her previous savings.

everything requires skill, and it can't be done overnight.

most of the time, we just see other people's success and can't wait to become others and copy other people's lives.

ignores the fact that success is not achieved overnight, but slowly accumulated in one step at a time.

there are so many wonderful lives in the world, but not all of them are suitable for us.

the worst fear is that you will change yourself too much and forget your original mind in order to become someone else.

as a result, I don't know what to do in a dilemma.

in the final analysis, to change yourself too much to cater to others, or to change yourself too much to become "others" is actually a heartfelt denial of yourself and no confidence in yourself.

you have to believe that you are also a unique star in the sea, and you will shine, too, and you don't have to criticize and change yourself for anyone's sake.

Mr. Yang Jiang once said:

"We longed for the waves of fate so much that at last we found that the most beautiful scenery in life was inner calmness and calmness.

We were so looking forward to the recognition of the outside world that at last we knew that the world was our own and had nothing to do with others."

each of us is a unique landscape in the world, and there is no need to change others.

you are also a unique being, and you don't have to struggle to become someone else.

when we can't help pointing fingers at the people around us, or want to change ourselves harshly, we might as well remind ourselves that everyone has their own track of life and their own highlights.

the rest of my life is not long. May you and I both allow others to be themselves and live according to their own wishes, neither deliberately changing themselves to cater to others, nor messing about themselves in order to become others.